Hello everyone! Sorry it has been a few days- busy busy busy. Finals are creepin', and I've been somehow fitting studying and playing in together. However, that has also means no blogging... no sleeping... no... OK- I've eaten burritos with Josiah, Shawn, and Jessica haha, but that's about it.
But today, I really wanted to lay out my thoughts. I've been thinking about change. What a scary word, right? But it's often an exciting or exhilarating word too- I mean, change means... moving away from the norm: YOUR norm. For someone like me, going against the grain is what makes me who I am. I don't like to conform, and I love watching some poor sucker's face as I alarm them with my unexpected behaviors.
I've been packing up my room the whole morning (aside from giving my accounting presentation this morning), and I'm going off to most likely get my new car tomorrow. In addition, I've undergone some personal changes in my life lately that have totally transformed me. All of these things combined have gotten me thinking about who I am as a person and how I take change; I've decided that I take it fairly well on the outside, but inwardly, I am scared to death of it. Funny thing is, despite my extreme fear of life alterations, I chase them.
Maybe some of you are similar. I'll give an example. I am not super afraid of a lot of things, but one thing that always makes me quite anxious is heights. When I get somewhere with a big drop, my stomach ends up at the bottom and leaves me at the top. Yet what is my favorite sport of all time? Rock climbing. I LOVE rock climbing. Why? Because of the adrenaline rush- it pushes me upwards even though my life is flashing before my eyes and I'm secretly trying to repent of all of my sins as I reach for the next handhold. That's totally it. That's exactly how I am in life too. I'm spontaneous; impulsive; outwardly fearless. Change and the prospect of it entering my life terrifies me as well as inspires and compels me to act.
What does that mean? It means people that try to get me to conform get the shaft from me. It also means that individuals that try to keep me in the old and keep me from whatever it is I'm chasing (whether or not it's new) get burned.
People are funny to me. As you all know, I'm a pretty attentive person; I like to people-watch. I've noticed a lot of people change lately. There have been moments where I've thought I've known, but everything I understood has ended up being a complete facade; entirely artificial. Individuals have assumed an identity and have revealed their true nature only after an attachment to their good twin has been forged. That's fine I suppose- I guess some people act like that when they don't understand themselves entirely. I'm sure I've done it at some point in my life, and I'm probably not immune to it entirely myself. But isn't there a moment when we have to stop pretending? Isn't it an exhausting practice- to essentially force a change in life? Sure, it's kind of an exciting process to switch it up occasionally, but pretending that you are something that you're not seems to me like a pretty laborious task considering that, at some point in the future, you are going to have to introduce a whole new person- a person you've been hiding behind your fake personality. At that point, bridges are burned, and the whole process of getting to know people starts ALL OVER AGAIN.
Perhaps I'm not making a whole lot of sense with this talk of loving change while, at the same time, seemingly frowning upon it. I'm not necessarily disapproving of the change thing. I just think that people need to pick and choose which points in life they are going to seek for variety in. Some endeavors are just ridiculous. Just be yourself and save yourself some time to chase some fun and useful change. Don't dam yourself into a fix by pretending- that's not going to do anything but get you stuck in one spot for a length of time (not to mention tie you up into a knot that, when it comes time, will be SO hard to get out of). And as all of us crazy, spontaneous people know, change-junkies are the types that want to keep moving. They don't like to have to stand in lines or be given a wait period.
Another thing: we need to stop reaching to the past. It's a notoriously human characteristic to try and remember things. Look at all the things we have to do so: pictures, videos, journals, old keepsakes (which are junk more or less of the time)... Heck, we even hold onto people to retain memories: it's as if losing that person will take a chunk out of your life. Remembering is wonderful- I love my pictures especially. But when the past is overcoming and hindering your ability to move forward with your life, it's a sign you need to let go. Holding onto the past can lead to those great memories being a source of pain and longing, and both emotions do nothing but beg for pity and cripple your ability to be open to new experiences.
Then again, what about that attachment to a memory? What if you feel regret when you think about something? Well, if it's something you can do something about, then... wait for it... DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. If you can't do anything about that regret, then simply chalk it up to experience and move on. There's no sense in dwelling on something that nothing can be done about. Frankly, it's unhealthy to allow yourself that constant glimpse into the past if that's all it's doing for you.
That's just my two cents on the subject of change- maybe some of you feel differently about it yourselves. But I'll have you all know that me accepting that the past is the past has proven to be a kindness to myself. No matter how much other people or my own thoughts/dreams have tried to pull me back into the past, I've decided that I'm moving forward despite what they want or what they do.
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